Is it me or does being a mom sometimes feel like being a part of the criminal justice system?

I’m down with some sort of stomach crud and my husband has (temporarily) taken over all parenting duties. Whoo hoo. Quiet time. All this quiet time got me thinking though:

Did you ever notice that being a mom and being in the criminal justice system have some striking similarities?

Not that I’d know. About the criminal justice system I mean. It’s just what I’ve gleaned from watching 565 episodes of Law and Order SVU since I’ve been sick. In truth, there was that one time in high school where I had a run in with the law but it doesn’t count when it’s the Northwestern University police and they release you to your friend’s mom. Anyhoo..

Here are three ways, based on my (non) scientific research, that I think that being a mom resembles life in the criminal justice system. 

1. You are always someone’s bitch

You know that you should stand firm against  becoming someone’s bitch. You also know that the more that you resist, the more your life will suck. So you bring extra ice for the water at bedtime, you scrape cheese off a grilled cheese sandwich.  Because in both situations, each day is about survival and being someone’s bitch buys you time.

2. Anything you say can and will be used against you.

Remember that kid who can’t remember what he did today at the camp that you’re paying a bizillion dollars for or the kid who comes home seemingly unaware that he’s wearing one shoe and has no idea what happened to the other shoe? Yea, that kid is the one who will remember that two years ago, when he was acting like a hosehead at Target and you just wanted to get out before you were thrown out, you absentmindedly said “yes, fine, two years from now” when he asked for the semiautomatic gun repllica toy. And somehow two years to the day, he attempts to use your exact words against you at Target. 

Now you get to decide if you want to be someone’s bitch today or be bitched about by the mom of every kid who comes to your house for a play date and leaves wanting an Uzi.

3. You quickly realize that the bathroom is no longer a place of peace and solitude but instead a place where baaaad things will happen.

If you’re a mom, I really don’t need to elaborate but I will anyway. In both Mommyhood and prison, you better learn to pee and poop fast because otherwise, you can be sure that you’ve pissed someone off and there will be hell to pay. 

And for the love of all that’s good, Do Not Bend Over In The Shower! You won’t see them but there is always at least one person and frequently many who are watching and just waiting to pounce at the site of your ass in the air.

So did I make my point? Is being a mom just like being in the criminal justice system? I say no because I’ve never seen any character on Law and Order filled with as much joy as I am each time I pick up my kiddo after camp. 

Is being a mom similar  to being in prison? I’ll  let you be the judge. SVU is on again and I’ve got research to do.

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